Ways to help your solicitor

It is well known that Law is a dry and dusty subject and it falls to clients to do their bit in lightening their solicitor’s day. I have found the following practices to be of some effect. It is not necessary to use them all each time and the resourceful client can always come up with new twists.

1. Do not tell your solicitor that you have a case in court. After all he is a learned person and should be able to divine this information.

2. Tell him, while he is in court, that you have another case in some other distant court on the same day. Not only should he be able to be in two places at the same time, this gives extra excitement to his office staff as well.

3. Mention casually for the first time on the morning of trial that you have an alibi with supporting witnesses, none of whom are there. If he had read the chicken bones correctly, he would have known this.

4. Move address without telling him. Do not arrange for any mail to be forwarded to your new address. This makes it much more exciting trying to find out where you are.

5. Should he send you a letter, do not answer it. It leaves him with the thrill of wondering what is happening.

6. Do not tell him the truth of what happened. To do so, deprives him of the excitement of finding out. However, this one is too obvious for most to use.

7. Do not arrive on time for appointments or Court. Predictability is very dull.

8. Do not attempt to telephone the solicitor or the Court to let anyone know you have been held up but are on your way. It is quite unreasonable to think that your solicitor would have anything to do with new fangled ideas such as a telephone.

9. Attending Court while drunk adds a frisson of excitement to a dull day. If you cannot arrive drunk, then make good use of the lunch adjournment.

10. Bear in mind that the Sheriff has a wide discretion in sentencing you and by going out of your way to annoy or offend him, you create new and exciting opportunities for your solicitor.

11. Orders of Court should be treated as Guidelines, to be followed only if you cannot think of anything better to do. Otherwise your solicitor is left with nothing to say when you are brought back before the Court.

The client by using some, or all, of the above ensures that the solicitor’s life is not boring and makes his heart race as well. This significant health benefit should not be down played. A further benefit is achieved in cutting down on his hairdressing bills as he will have no hair left requiring cutting.